2018 > 2019 > 2020: Striving to be more like Him

I ended 2019 with a much different mindset than I did in 2018. This time last year, I was harboring a lot of hurt feelings. I had experienced some hurt feelings at the hands of individuals that I never expected to hurt me. I discovered some true colors and it took me a long time to learn to handle these new realities. Last year, I was angry. I was hurt. I was heartbroken. This year, while things are far from perfect, things have improved. Lots of prayers have been prayed and answers have been given. I received advice and guidance from a trusted individual and I have really studied on 1 Peter 5:7. Giving everything to God is still something that is not easy for me, but I am working on it. Used to when I would try to give things over to God, my thoughts would still be consumed by doubt, fear, and worry. This year I have improved at praying about something that is on my mind and then moving my thoughts elsewhere. Instead of praying about something and continuing to worry, I am working harder at praying about it and truly giving that burden to Him.

"...Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

I was given two pieces of great advice, the first being "keep everyone an arm's length away." When you keep a respectful distance from people, you are less likely to be hurt. It was always easy for me to put so much trust in individuals that I was devastated when that trust was broken. Individuals, no matter who they may be, will disappoint us or hurt us at some point in our lives, some more than others. It's easy to have too much faith in an individual, and in reality we are having unfair expectations because human beings are imperfect.

"It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man." -Psalm 118:8

The second piece of advice I was given is that "it is better to be hurt than to hurt others." This one was a tough pill to swallow. It's not something that people today want to hear, it was far from what I, myself, wanted to hear. These days people like to say things about "doing what makes you happy" and such. Earlier this year I was in a place of hurt, disappointment, and heartbreak. When seeking guidance, I'm not going to kid you, I wanted to be told to do what was best/easiest for me, to do whatever prevented my loved ones and me from being hurt again. But, that's not the advice I got, and I am thankful for that now.

 When studying and reflecting on what/who I wanted to become, I quickly became overwhelmed. When trying to grow and better yourself as a person, it is easy to nitpick every single negative quality and beat yourself up in the process of trying to be better. I need to be more patient. I need to quit running late so often. I need to do better at controlling my facial expressions. I need to be more kind. I need to be more loving. I need to be more thoughtful about what words I use. Once you start listing everything you think needs improvement, it's easy to be hard on yourself and think "I will never get there." But, in reality, it's simple. There's one thing, and one thing only, you can add to your list that encompasses everything: Become more like Jesus. When I strive to live more like Jesus each day, that's my ultimate goals all rolled into one. When I'm trying to be like Jesus, I am trying to be more patient, more kind, more loving, etc. And this brings me back to the second piece of advice I received: Jesus took the hurt instead of hurting others. Jesus held the mentality "it's better to be hurt than to hurt others." Jesus was kind to others, even when they weren't kind in return. Jesus was honest with others, even if they were dishonest in return. Jesus was patient with others, even when they were impatient in return. So this is my ultimate goal: Become more like Him. He left "big shoes to fill", so to speak, but He left us guidance through His Word and He forgives and He allows us the avenue of prayer, which I'm working on focusing more on this year and in the years to come.

"For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps." -1 Peter 2:21

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 2:3-8

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another." -John 13:34

"The one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked." -1 John 2:6

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has also forgiven you." -Ephesians 4:32

Why a Gas Pump in Murray Means So Much to Me

To anyone else, this looks like any old gas pump. To be honest, you're probably reading this and thinking, okay where is she going with this? This gas pump is located in Murray and is the first gas pump you see on the right when pulling into this gas station. This gas pump is used who knows how many times each day and is just any old normal gas pump to most people. To me, this gas pump means so much more. This gas pump brings back so many vivid memories. This gas pump makes my heart hurt. This gas pump involves one of my favorite, funniest, most vivid memories I have with my Granny.

I don't remember what year this happened but I'm guessing probably 2015 or 2016. My great aunt and my grandmother both went on vacation in the fall and every so often, their vacations would overlap by one day. One of them would be traveling home from vacation the same day as the other one would be leaving for vacation. For some reason, this really really irritated my Granny. She got her panties in a wad so bad over this because she always wanted one of them to be home, even though the rest of us would take great care of her even though they were both gone one day. But, to ease her nerves, I would usually go spend the night with her the night they would both be gone, and usually that was enough to suit her.

I remember it was a Sunday; it very well may have been the Sunday that she was 1000% convinced that church started at 8:45 instead of 9:15 and she insisted that I be ready to leave by 8:30. We got to church 30-40 minutes early and she was BAFFLED as to why there was only like two people there already. She finally admitted that maybe, just maybe, I was right, and church did indeed start at 9:15. hahaha! Anyway, we had gone to church and then to Murray to eat lunch. I don't remember where we ate lunch, but if I had to take a gander I would guess we ate at August Moon because Granny LOVED to eat there. Now, we always drove Granny's car. That tan Buick that she kept spic and span. After we got done eating, Granny said "how much gas do we have?" The gas tank was over 3/4 full, and when I told her that she said "oh me, we better get gas, that's getting kinda low...." She would faint and fall over if she knew how low I let the gas in my car get before filling up hahaha, but nevertheless we went and filled up the car with gas. We pulled into this gas station in front of Walmart in Murray and pulled up to this pump. I got out to pump the gas while she wrote the check. It literally took her forever to write the check because she had to dig her purse out of the floorboard, get her checkbook out, put on her glasses, get a pen out of her purse, and she wrote so neatly and so precise you could literally sit for forever waiting for her to write the check. She handed me the check to take inside. I took it inside and the cashier told me that Granny would have to come in with her license because she was the one who wrote the check and they couldn't accept it otherwise. I walk back out to the car to tell her, and y'all, I'd never seen my Granny so aggravated haha. She gives me this look that would've scared even the bravest of people, throws her purse down in the floorboard, flings the car door open, and gets out. She starts marching up to the door, her heels clicking across the pavement the whole way, while she's giving me an earful "Do they not know I'm 88 years old and I don't care anything about getting out of my car to come in and show them my license?" 

Finally after her blood stopped boiling because they had the audacity to ask her to get out of the car (I mean after all that WAS why I was there, right?! Haha) we had a good laugh about how mad she got and how shocked and to be honest, a little afraid, at how mad she'd gotten. We had one of our "giggle fests" as we called them the whole way home.

What a day that was, and I pray I never forget about it.

She was something special. She was a prime example of everything I hope to be one day-a loving wife, mom, grandmother, and great-grandmother, but most importantly, a strong Christian. She is one of my greatest role models and closest friends. Sometimes I can keep the fact that she is gone off of my mind, and then randomly she will come to my mind and it's like a punch to the gut. The fact that she really is gone is so overwhelming, so painful, and so absolutely unbelievable some days. Other days, it's a blessing to know that she is no longer in pain, that she is reunited with my Granddaddy Dig-her husband of over 65 years, and that she has went on to the reward that she worked her whole life for.

I'm so thankful for my Granny and the wonderful example, source of laughter, fountain of love, and dearest friend she was to me. I'm also thankful for Jesus who loved us enough to give us the gift of eternal life with Him, and the gift of being able to be reunited with our loved ones. What a day that will be.

"I thought of you today but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and the days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part. God has you in His arms. I have you in my heart."